Probably the most common question I get from people regarding my creative endeavors, whether they be YouTube, Substack or something else is “How do you find the time to get so much done?”. The answer to this is complicated and a bit of a long story - but, if you’re reading this you’ve paid for a Substack subscription (thank you!) and I figure you might be interested to hear it!
So to be entirely clear, my ability to make a lot of things isn’t some supernatural or savant-like ability, rather I just spend a lot of time making. I work 7 days a week and usually until 11 or 12 at night. How I find the time / motivation to do that is a good question, and there’s a bit of a negative element to it - let’s talk about it.
Since I was a young child - probably around 10 - 12 years old (though the first memories are earlier) a key part of my life has been anxiety. I have dealt with all manners of different anxiety from recurring things, to fears that pop out seemingly from nowhere (ok, it’s probably clear where they usually come from . . . thanks internet). A lot of people deal with anxiety and it’s always unpleasant but, I think it’s fair to say mine has often been debilitating - from not leaving the home to waking up with cold sweats and panic attacks, things have been a journey. Fortunately, things these days aren’t at their worst - but, that has meant a lot of years of sleepless nights getting there. University in particular was quite a ride.
Unfortunately, this anxiety is something that has impacted me in a lot of ways that enter the real world, I’ve had horrible social anxiety for as long as I can remember, and that makes me feel particularly sensitive to jerks writing rude comments (it still astounds me how internet anonymity turns regular people into monsters), or even just people who seem to not get that I read the things people write about me.
The unfortunate thing with YouTube as a medium is it’s counterintuitively quite disempowering to the creator and empowering to people who want to write all kinds of crazy stuff about them. I think this is actually just a cultural thing to an extent - nobody generally gets “called out” for making a completely unfair criticism, or for suggesting a ridiculous interpretation of something some says - but, people like to call creators out in comments, tweets and forum posts all the time!
Sadly, and you might see where I am going things in my life it’s often been easier to stabilize things with work. There’s a certain sense that one can have that this is using anxiety to create something good but, I don’t necessarily think that is a healthy way of looking at things. It leads to this cycle of:
Feeling Bad → Work → Feeling Tired / Stressed / Burnt Out → Feeling Bad
There’s also an element of a bit of social isolation that plays into this, sometimes the easiest way to not feel alone is to go and work on a project - even if it’s not fixing the underlying problem. It’s also frustrating because I do enjoy the conversations I have, I just don’t have all that many real life conversations with people.
YouTube also is not a job which is good for one’s mental health, especially if the anxiety of making rent is significant for you. That’s because YouTube is in a unique class of jobs where the ability to work overtime is truly unlimited. Worried about your income this month? Stay up late, make extra videos, do more, make more. That’s sort of an unhealthy option to have, even if it might feel comforting to be in “control” of your destiny to some extent. YouTube has also removed the small number of “social” features used by creators over the years and so I think there is significant downward pressure on creators reaching out to one another and forming social connections, even within the same topic vertical.
A lot of the time this makes me contemplate going back to a “regular” job, however “regular” jobs are not so regular these days with the advent of hybrid work. The built in socialization that used to come with work has really been eroded. Nonetheless, I think future me probably does have a job where I spend more time working with other people, maybe in high level transit / city planning or perhaps in technology - which is my educational background, even if I think one’s education is often a poor indicator of what they should be doing.
You might be wondering why if this is such a big part of my life I don’t talk about it more, and honestly that’s a good question. I did do a video about it at one point (which has since been taken down) but, the response was quite mixed and so I think I learned my lesson. Nonetheless, I’d like to think this Substack can be a place where I am a bit more straightforward with what I am thinking and how I am feeling, and perhaps understand where I am coming from will help you enjoy or understand the things I write more.
Thanks for reading, and for your support. It makes me happy.
Thanks for sharing, Reece, and sorry your video wasn't well received. For what it's worth, you are doing an amazing job with the channel. I hope you are satisfied and relaxed with every excellent video you post and ignore the haters. Their negativity says more about them than you!
I know this is quite late but thank you for sharing. I've also had issues with anxiety for a long time and couldn't do what you do so well done. The thing I find is it can be quite isolating to be interested in something as niche as public transport, how do you talk to your friends about this that aren't interested in PT?